I had just finished introducing sequences, and the students were working on a practice problem before I presented it on the board. As I did most days, I walked around the classroom, checking in on their understanding. The students were distracted — registration for next semester had opened that morning for many of them, and most were busy talking about which classes they had gotten into and which professors they had heard good things about.
"Professor, have you seen your Rate My Professor?" one student called out.
"No, I have not," I said distractedly, still moving between desks.
"It's really good... here, I’ll pull it up... oh."
I paused. "What’s wrong?"
"Someone gave you one two days ago..."
The whole class turned to look at me, and my world tilted. I felt dizzy, flushed with embarrassment. Attempting to gain a semblance of control, I walked back to the front of the room, reviewed the problem, and finished the lecture. After class, I hurried to my office, my head light and pounding from the blood that had rushed to it. I opened the Rate My Professor website.
There it was:
"Terrible professor, she rarely knew what she was talking about and always made mistakes during lectures, in quizzes, and on homeworks."
I blinked at the screen, and my mind began to run.
I had just taught this course last semester, so my command of the material had just been sharpened. Sure, I made the occasional mistake on the board, but what math professor does not? I always double-checked the homework solutions. I even hired a grader, a student who had taken the course and excelled, to check the solutions as well.
I must have missed something, though…I did mess up the solids of revolution problem that one day in class… I formed the solid by rotating the region around the y-axis rather than the line y=5. And, maybe, there were mistakes on the homework assignments that my grader and I both did not catch? Wait… were there mistakes on the quizzes too? Were there mistakes in my other class’s homework solutions, as well?
Fuck. I am so dumb. What am I even doing here.
The tears started to stream.
Because this was not just about a bad review.
This was one of a thousand tiny cuts that had been slowly slicing at me since the year began, and long before that.
On my very first day as a professor, after carefully going over the syllabus, a student raised his hand and asked about my educational background and whether or not I had taught calculus before.
I smiled and told him that I had received my Ph.D. in applied mathematics from an Ivy League institution, and assured him that I had taught this class before.
Weeks later, a student approached me after class and casually called me Shriya, even though I had explicitly asked to be addressed as Professor Nagpal.
I smiled and gently reminded them that I would like to be called Professor Nagpal, but not to worry about the mistake.
Later, a colleague expressed surprise when I told them that I was on the tenure track.
I smiled and joked, "I know, I can’t believe it either."
Each moment seemingly small. Easy to dismiss.
Easy to smile at — and explain away.
But they pile up.
They wear you down.
They whisper the same thing again and again:
You are not serious. You do not belong here. And you must make them feel comfortable in order to stay.
I do not have a triumphant ending to write here.
All I have is this:
I showed up again today. And tomorrow, I will show up again.
But maybe a little bit hardened.
Shriya V. Nagpal is an Assistant Professor of mathematics at Pitzer College, where she teaches and thinks about dynamics on networks and inclusive pedagogy.